The maid of honor just puked.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
