69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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