Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
