I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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