Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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