I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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