You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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