the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
