So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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