the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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