So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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