Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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