Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
