If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Randomize
