I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
