She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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