so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
