is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
