If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
