An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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