I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
