Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
