if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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