I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Naked Twister starts at high noon
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
