I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
