Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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