Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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