I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
