Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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