If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
