Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
