I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
