Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize