Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
