i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize