I wanna bring you to show and tell
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
