If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
