I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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