ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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