3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
