it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
