So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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