I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize