you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Randomize
