i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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