Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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