If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
