Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Randomize
