it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
