I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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