i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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