If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
