Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
