if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
