Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
