I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Randomize
