Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
