Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
