My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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