Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
