I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
he shaved USA in his pubs
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
