Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
